Posts Tagged ‘Sick Of It’

So, I have been struggling recently.

Being sick sucks. Most of the time I manage to accept the fact that I am sick, that it is permanent, and this is my normal. But sometimes, I don’t.

Then I get frustrated, that even though I do all the stuff I am supposed to do, it doesn’t get any better. I don’t get any better. And the reality of the situation is, I will never get any better. Between the mental illness, the kidney failure, the rheumatoid arthritis: that stuff is all permanent. It can be managed, but it is never going away. I never get to go back to the way my life was before my kidneys failed.

And then it’s like I’m 13 again, and I get all rebellious, and decide that I’m not going to do stuff, especially not the stuff that is currently saving my life. Stupid, but there it is.

See, this acceptance stuff, it’s a process. There is no finish line, just a constant attempt to accept the reality that this is the way my life is and I need to make the best of it. This is my normal.

And mostly my life is good. I have friends, and family, I do fun stuff. Most days, I love my life. Most days, I am happy.

Not at the moment, though. I’m still kind of pissed about the whole being sick thing.

My niece, Eldest, asked me if I was sicker than I was supposed to be. I’m not, I’m just sicker than I want to be. And I need to continue working on being ok with that.

At least until I can replace most of my body parts with cybertronic equivalents.

So I had another seizure yesterday. You remember, when I felt like total ass? Yeah, that’s generally how I feel after I have a seizure.

Of course, before I can realize that, the confusion has to clear up. That usually takes a couple of hours.

Yeah, it’s pretty much entirely made of suck, no getting around it.

I have to go in and see the doctor. Again. And of all the things that are wrong with me, the seizures have always been the worst. They reinforce my helplessness over the physical stuff, they wear me down and out and they make me feel like shit for days at a time.

I can’t predict when I’ll have one until right before they happen, and I can’t bounce back from them easily. It’s a bit over thirty hours since the last one and I still feel wonky and fucked up.

There is nothing I can do. At least not today. I’m going to bed.

So I barely slept last night, and I have been sicker than fuck all most of the day, and I felt so shitty at one point that I texted Sizzle so that someone would know if I went missing for more than a day. Not normally prone to dramatics, but I kind of scared myself with how icky I feel.

So now I am going to continue with my strenuous revised schedule of lying down and trying not to hurl. We can pick this back up tomorrow.

So I had my fistula roto-routered yesterday and it went very well. But for some reason, even though I went to bed at 8:30 and slept really well all night, I have felt kind of, I don’t know, scooped out today.

Not hopped up or anything, but kind of hung over, in a not focusing, kind of ditzy way, that is totally unlike my normal, ditzy way.

So I spent today resting and drinking soda water and juice spritzers. I didn’t eat much yesterday, my procedure wasn’t scheduled until 1PM and actually got started late. So I had a sandwich at the hospital (weird, but I have a sandwich every time I get this done, and I don’t know if it’s because I am really starving, but the hospital box lunch is super excellent) and I apparently had a bunch of ramen before I fell asleep. Anyway, I ate good-for-you food most of the day and then some pepperoni pizza to get rid of the last bits of hung over feeling. It totally worked, too, proving that my alcoholic history DOES come in handy occasionally.

So now I’m gonna watch some Dragonball and pick up my life where it left off, tomorrow.

I am in the frosty fastness  of the batcave, wondering where the hell all the money went.

I have previously disclosed my cheapness, but this year is turning out to be rough even for me. Social Security did not gave anyone the cost of living bump this year, since the increases are tied to the consumer price index and that actually fell due to the recession. That’s right, I said RECESSION.

So even though the increase is about 20 bucks a month, every penny counts, and stuff has certainly not gotten less expensive. You know, stuff like food and medications and what not.

I am one of those filthy people living on the teat of society. I can’t work, and even if I could work I certainly couldn’t get the kind of job that would let me afford to get insurance, assuming I could persuade an insurance company to cover me.

I get some food stamps, I have Section 8 (thank god or I could not afford to house myself) and I get my SS disability which is a total of $771 a month.

And I am cheap, which totally works to my advantage.

I also am covered by Medicare (federal) and Medicaid (state), which is amazing because otherwise I would not be able to, well, live. This covers the 17 prescription meds I take daily, my dialysis, and my myriad doctors. It also covers the three IV meds I take.

And now I need to start doing the yoga, on the advice of my doctor and my sponsor and where the money is going to come for that I have no idea.

GAH.

And yet, as anxious as money or the lack thereof makes me, I am very aware of how truly blessed I am. Because my medical stuff IS covered, there IS food in the house, I do have transportation. My needs are met on a daily basis, and for that I am very grateful, because I know people who are homeless and I have a roof over my head. People who worry about being able to feed their kids.

And every time I have been afraid or wanting, I have had someone extend their hand to me.

So I get anxious, and I rant here, and then I suck it up and keep moving forward.

God, summer brings out the boring in me.