Posts Tagged ‘Playing Fuckaround’

I got a parking ticket when I went downtown to meet my sponsor last week. $39.

Downtown Seattle, the meter people are fucking fascists. This is not to say that this isn’t a valid ticket, because it totally is. That doesn’t mean I A) am happy about it or B) can afford it. $39 for 10 minutes of parking, because that’s how late I was.

I AM KILLING MYSELF WITH THIS SHIT.

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In other news, when the hell are they going to start making self cleaning clothes? Because I don’t need a fucking jet pack or a flying car, but self cleaning clothes would totally come in handy.

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Yeah, I totally did laundry today. Annoying, but at least I won’t have to go commando.

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There is no way to cook edible lentils in 30 minutes. Just not possible. Trust me on this.

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Goddamned cat keeps trying to eat my popcorn. Then acts all surprised when I throw him across the room. Stupid cat. I DO NOT SHARE MY POPCORN. Do I try to eat YOUR treats? No,  I do NOT.

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OK, that’s it. Go away now. GO ON. SHOO.

So I went to see my doctor today and found out that my good cholesterol has skyrocketed while my bad cholesterol has decreased.

I am hereby declaring myself the Valedictorian Of Cholesterol.

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I was a hair model for a class at the salon I frequent and I got a smoothing treatment and a haircut. I am now so awesome that I can barely stand myself.

No, really, it looks good. And it smells of Tootsie Rolls. For serious.

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Grant sent me a bar of bacon soap, since everyone knows that guys dig the smell of bacon. Between that and the hair cut, my hotness has become damn near unbearable.

Look out, world. Bacon scented Tracy is on the way.

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Also, Mixed Berry Yogurt Parfait from Trader Joe’s is my new crack. You have been warned.

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And now I am off to, well, I don’t know, watch cartoons, maybe? Yes, cartoons. SHUT UP.

So I lost three days to recovery from La Flippity Flop, and I am not sure exactly what I did or who I talked to during those days. I’m pretty sure I had supper with Sizzle, and I probably talked to some people on the telephone, but I have no idea who or what I said.

Welcome to my life.

But today I actually felt quite good, and so I got up at, like , 8 AM and by noon had done three loads of laundry, taken out the recycling, vacuumed the carpets, washed the kitchen floor on my hands and knees, made a meal, and took out the trash.

I may have been possessed by the spirit of Bev Kaply.

And now, having set up my machine for tomorrow, I am watching all three Star Wars movies, in order, the REAL ones, not that weird ass shit with Jar Jar Binks. I shall eat a good supper, take a nice shower and go to bed early. Because it is motherfucking hot outside, and the sun wants me dead, so I am staying in the frosty cold fastness of my bat-cave until I have to venture forth to the brain doctor.

That’s just how I roll. Or flop. You know, whatever.

There has been a lot of odd shit going in around these parts, and I would totally love to write about it, but none of it really is my odd shit and so I can’t.

And now you know how I feel. Suck, isn’t it?

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So I got a thing in the mail from my cable company, that my promotional deal was coming to an end, so I called them up and was all Hey, how much are you going to screw me out of? and they were all $30 more dollars a month, and I said, Yeah, no, that’s not gonna work for me, and then they gave me the promotional price again.

That was pretty good.

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So I’ve started a new hair regimen, and YES, it IS one of my end-of-the-month ideas, but it seems to be going ok, and my hair has not A) fallen out or B) started looking gunked up, and so I shall continue and hope for the best.

Shut up.

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Why the fuck would anyone want to watch a movie on their phone? I DON’T GET IT.

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OK, I’m done now. You may continue with, well, I don’t know, whatever you guys do when I’m not here. Whatever.

Now, if you are from New England, you can probably translate this post title into “I carried that extremely heavy thing for a very long time.”

If you are from Away (anywhere that is NOT New England) you now have some very strange ideas about what I do for fun in my spare time.

Perverts.

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I keep seeing a bug in my apartment. I have checked my supply of anti psychotics, and I appear to have skipped no doses, so I am hereby making the assumption that the bug is real.

It flies around, and then disappears, I have no idea where. And the cats don’t pay it any attention whatsoever, the lazy bastards.

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Also, crosswalks are for suckers. That’s right, I said it, I’m a jaywalker. Nobody cared when I lived in Maine, but now total strangers seem to feel the need to comment on my scofflaw ways.

This does not, strangely, make me more inclined to use the crosswalks.

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Now me and my contrary ass are going to dialyze. Yeah, it’s high times in the whorehouse today. Oh, and I killed that bug so I’m pretty sure that it was real, on account of the carcass. So there’s that.