Apparently, I Am Bewildering. How Cool Is THAT?

Posted by Tracy on Feb 7, 2010 with 2 Comments
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So.

I went to bed at a reasonable hour last night, only to spend the entire night tossing and turning. I can not for the life of me figure out what the fuck was going on.

It makes me very angry.

Admittedly, it really doesn’t take much, but still. There is nothing like a night of sleep disturbance to make me seriously cranky.

And now I don’t feel like I can ride my scooter to the meeting, since even with a full night of sleep I have the attention span of a three year old on a sugar binge. Lack of sleep makes me more dangerous than is acceptable.

Bah to the motherfucking humbug.

I’m Gonna Start A Clown College, Then Just Stab People As They Enroll. Oh, Don’t Act Like It Doesn’t Make TOTAL SENSE.

Posted by Tracy on Feb 5, 2010 with 6 Comments
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I went grocery shopping today and got amazing deals and saved tons of money. Then I told everyone I knew and a bunch of people on the internet how awesome I am at saving money.

It was highly gratifying.

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Tonight I made lasagna, and I’m pretty sure that I am now suffering from cheese overdose. I would never have thought such a thing possible, except I used some three pounds of cheese and that doesn’t include the ricotta. And now I’m feeling kind of logey. Shut UP, it MEANS what it SOUNDS LIKE.

It was super delicious, though. Death by cheese is a worthwhile death.

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So now, having eaten enough cheese to bind up several people permanently, I am working my way through my many hours of DVR’d TV shows. I spend so much time watching TV, and yet what the fuck with all shit I have taped? It’s crazy. I have no idea what I am spending my time on, but it certainly isn’t having an impact on the shit I have DVR’d.

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You know what would be awesome right now? Cake. Or cookies, I like cookies.

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Things I don’t eat:

Brussels Sprouts

Red Pepper

Green Pepper

Yellow Pepper

Fennel

Liver

Pickles

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I wonder how good a bowling score I could get if we were bowling with human skulls?

OK, I have to go. No, I have to go. SHUT UP. I AM GOING.

I Drove The FUCK Out Of That Element

Posted by Tracy on Feb 4, 2010 with 3 Comments
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So, I went to Costco, I paid my bills, I got the super expensive cat food, and I am now out of money. And it’s the fifth.

*sigh*

I knew this month was going to be tight. It’s my own fault really. I ran out of a bunch of stuff last month, went through a bunch of money on holiday, and so needed to restock almost everything. Plus I forgot to pay the phone bill last month, and so had to double pay this month. And my Social Security payment did not go up this year. And if you don’t think I’m bitter about that, well, you haven’t been coming around here long, hmmm?

So this month will be all about eating at home and hanging out for no money. It’s not a huge deal, really. I was able to cover all my bills and buy food and cat stuff. I have cable and heat and paid my rent. The Vespa probably has enough gas for the month. No haircut, but again, that’s ok.

Funnily enough, I’m still very grateful. There have been times when there was no food. No rent money. And those times were incredibly hard and that shit is still happening for a lot of people. Even people who are fortunate enough to have jobs in this economy are making hard decisions about where to allot the money- health care or food? School clothes or electric bill?

All in all, a month on the downlow is not the worst thing that could happen. Plus, I’ll probably come up with at least one zany scheme over that time. Remember, both the Great Hair Unwashing Experiment of 2008 and the Great Toilet Train The Cats Experiment of 2004 came out of similar financial circumstances.

That’s what happens when I have nothing but time and an internet connection. Wily E Coyote would LOVE me.

You Say Weirdo Like It’s A Bad Thing

Posted by Tracy on Feb 3, 2010 with 3 Comments
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So tomorrow is my first Zipcar rental, and I’m a little tingly at the idea. I have reserved a Honda Element, the same car my folks have, and I am looking forward to filling that bastard up with all sorts of essential and non essential shit that can only be found at the Costco.

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In other news, my hands are kind of fucked up and by that I mean that they hurt, not that they are some grotesque and not natural shape or color. I think I may be developing arthritis, which both my mom and my nana have/had, and which would just about be my luck. This would also mean that grotesquerie of shape is only a matter of time.

You’re welcome.

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Also, here is a short and by no means inclusive list of shit I don’t give a fuck about:

LOST

The Super Bowl

Super Bowl Ads

Live Music (NO, not even that band/singer/songwriter/duo)

How you feel about my vocabulary choices

How you feel about any of my choices, really

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You know what would be awesome? EXACTLY.

And now I am off to go to bed, because I am old, and I can do that. Shut up.

Would It Be Rude Of Me To Point Out The Many Ways In Which You Suck?

Posted by Tracy on Feb 2, 2010 with 2 Comments
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On the list of stuff I want to do, right up next to world domination and forcing people to find me amusing, is write a web comic.

OK, if I am really being honest, and I do try,  I want to write a web comic so that I have the opportunity to be a cartoon character. And for those of you even now opening your gobs to say something snarky about me already being cartoony and something of a character (I’m looking at you, Fathead and the Unbearable Hotness Of Robert) I am VERY SERIOUS about this. See? ALL CAPITAL LETTERS = SERIOUS. And kind of shouty, but what can you do? I must work within the limitations of the medium, dudes.

Since I was a kid I have wanted to be a voice actor, and I would have been excellent if I had not gotten sidetracked into my current career as a mentally ill alcoholic, which has led to my late life renaissance as a patient with kidney failure, which, as I am sure you have guessed, keeps me very busy while not being in any way lucrative, although I have managed to acquire quite a bit of heavy grade percocet, which isn’t that great because HELLO! Recovering alcoholic.

I just can’t seem to win.

Also, I have all the drawing ability of a skink, an animal well known for it’s inability to draw more than stick figures, and not even those with any regularity. That’s right, I have skink-like artistic abilities. SHUT UP.

So, if you think you can draw and want to draw a web comic, email me. Of course, the other requirement is that you find me amusing. And BAM! just like that, two goals with one post. I’ll be done with that list in no time.

I’ll be over here. Waiting. SHUT UP.

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